Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Mid-week gratitude

Grateful, right this minute, for:
  • Getting my paycheck, even though it's late.
  • Ordering Indian food.
  • Paying my rent.
  • Cuddling my cat.
  • Having the best roomie.
  • Throat medicine.

Monday, February 27, 2012

NYNY Wrap Up

I didn't have enough spoons to wrap up this project the way I wanted to. Other people's schedules really hampered any kind of completion moment for me, and I'm still trudging along waiting for it all to gel. But I'm still working, and still grateful, and still moving. So, that's what I've got right now.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

NYNY Week 9

Sorry, Deb. I just can't really ask for help this week. Nothing's in any shape to involve anyone else.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

NYNY Week 8

This has been a rough week. Good, in a lot of ways--I've talked to my bosses, and had a really good interview, and my housemate finished doing my paperwork and did a beautiful job--but I'm exhausted.

Last night my coven did a beautiful ritual (which was hard, because I realized on a new level how much I'll miss these people that have so rapidly become family), for which one of my covenmates and I made the best jam cookies. (Our coven believes in food.) After the cookiemaking we did some divination that says that the path I thought I was on may be shifting direction. I'm not sure how to take that or ride with it, but I'm just supposed to keep moving, according to Deb, so I'm just going to reopen to possibilities and keep my chin up, my eyes open, and my feet moving.

I will be continuing my rock work, my divination, my meditations, and my moving prep. I'm stating for the record, though, that if the direction needs to be different than I originally planned, I'd rather be somewhere awesome and perfect for me than someplace I thought was right but will be disappointed by.
In that spirit, I offer an uplifting piece of my childhood:

Saturday, January 28, 2012

NYNY Week 7, part 2

Continuing right along, I took a nice long shower and got all clean and nicely groomed while directing love to each part of my body, which is always nice. I'm pretty good about doing that on a regular basis, and I'm okay about taking care of doctor visits and the like, although I should see my dentist more often. What I'm not good at is basic daily self-care. I fall off the wagon with things like getting enough sleep, or eating real meals, or getting physical activity. I start a good routine, and then lose it. My biggest hurdle right now is meals--often I get home after work and the kitchen has been left messy by my housemates, or I'm out of groceries or just too tired to deal with food. So I've made up a shopping list and plan to get a bunch of frozen stuff that cooks quickly. We don't have a microwave, so it'll be more along the lines of those skillet meals of pasta and veggies with sauce, or something. Not the absolute best, but a sight better than skipping dinners. I'm also going to up my meditation time with a goal of relaxing more before sleep and sleeping more soundly. Once I move, I'll also be looking into some kind of weekly physical activity, which I'm sure will help.

NYNY Week 7, part 1

This week's prompt is about glamour and the way we care for our bodies and present ourselves. I've been plotting a wardrobe revamp for a while, so it's nice to sort it all out and write it all down. This is the list of Things I Want, having been considered for style, comfort, appropriateness to job, and general awesomeness. These would mix in well with the geeky t-shirts and broken-in comfort wear I already have.

  • Corduroy blazer or sport coat
  • More black sweaters! Cotton, wool, lots of different weights and cuts. Probably a few other colors, too.
  • Plain button-down shirts, preferably without pockets. Short and long sleeves, natural fibers, in COLORS.
  • Dark wash, relaxed fit jeans, properly tailored.
  • Khakis/Dockers, properly tailored.
  • A suit, probably black. (No, I don't own one.)
I'm finally in a good place with shoes. I own one pair of winter boots, one pair of low all-weather boots for daily use, an identical pair for dress wear (I wear shoes out really quickly and have a hard time finding ones I like, so when the dress pair gets worn down they'll transition to daily use), and a pair of good trail sneakers. That's it. I probably need to get more belts and ties, but they're not in daily rotation at this point so the ones I have are holding up ok. My beloved, butter-smooth, beaten up, vintage leather jacket could use some TLC, but is perfectly serviceable.

The point of the whole revamp is to present myself as more self-assured and comfortable. I want my whole wardrobe to be mixable--no "these pants don't go with that shirt." Everything should fit, and I should be able to pull out an outfit that can go anywhere in less than 10 minutes.

Self-care and grooming stuff coming up later or tomorrow in a separate post. This was fun!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

NYNY Week 6

This one was hard. Like others, I'm not living near any places of personal power right now. Even my home isn't really a specifically sacred place, other than it being a place that shelters me and that I am grateful to in the security sense. I was kicking around the idea of doing a trip to all the different places I've lived in this city, but that just didn't seem like quite the thing. And then it snowed, and I knew how unlikely it was that I'd feel like trekking from Spanish Harlem to Bay Ridge. I was honestly going to blow this one off.

I haven't done any meditation in a while, though, and I had an assignment to meditate for class. Almost immediately upon settling down, I felt a tug to go to the. . .I don't know what you'd call it. It's not a temple per se. It's the sacred space I set up when I was living abroad and couldn't do much work in the physical world for various reasons. I used to be quite regular with my workings there, but haven't really made use of it in several years. I'd been thinking of it randomly over the past week or two, and I vaguely remember a dream fragment set there.The pull was pretty insistent, and the path was clear and easy, so I went. I was expecting it to be kind of dusty and empty, the way it's been the past time or two I've wandered in. Instead, it was clean and organized, but a bit chilly, the way your house is when you get home after a trip. I went to the "outdoor" section of the space, where a large cauldron was set up on the beach. I looked into it and was shown several images of the job and housing situations I will be starting in the next few weeks--all with keys that will help me know which offers to take and which to pass up. Then I was given a drink of broth from the cauldron. I heard a very strong voice saying, "It starts here. It has to start from here." Then I was told to bathe in the lake, which I did, and then I rose up out of the water and swooped in and out. Totally weird, but awesome. I felt like I was molting, dropping old growth. When I landed back on the beach, I went inside and lit a fire. I sat down next to it, and then the meditation ended itself--just faded away and I came back to the present.

I definitely feel like I'm on the right path. I lost a bunch of self-doubt back there in the lake, and took my future into myself, so I'm feeling much more confident. I definitely get the feeling that I just need to trust--I was terrified that the lake would be freezing, but it was tropically warm. The whole message seemed to say two things: "Get back to your roots," and "Come on in, the water's fine!" It was neat, and needed.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Cleaning up my act [NYNY addendum]

Ok. My Big Hurdle in this whole thing is the boxes of paperwork that need to be cleaned out. And yes, they need to be dealt with, but I just. . .it's too much. It's mundane work, but I have a million and one emotions packed into these boxes, and literally touching each piece of paper in order to deal with it makes it impossible. I have hoarded this stuff.

Tonight I had a breakthrough.

I have a physical disability. When something is Just Too Much, it gets outsourced. This week, I needed to outsource the laundry. Tonight I ordered dinner in. I only have so many spoons, and I currently have more money than spoons. Not that I'm rolling in cash, but you can see what I mean. I also currently have a housemate who's looking to bring in some extra cash organizing stuff. Her room is two feet down the hall. It's a match made in heaven. So tonight, we have an appointment to go over what I need and how much it'll cost me. Whatever the price, it'll be a bargain. And it'll get DONE, and I can move on.

I feel sort of like this is cheating, but also like it's the best path to the goal. I've expended so much energy over the years holding onto this stuff that I don't have anything more to give it. Thoughts, fellow Charmers?

Sunday, January 15, 2012

NYNY Week 5

The prompt for this week, scooting in just under the wire, is Enchanting. I've done. . .less that I would have liked, but about as much as I could manage, with this one. I made a shoebox altar using a tarot deck I don't quite care for to map out the life path I'm taking towards my goal, and will be working that as a guided meditation. I also went to the nearest reputable rock shop and picked up some things today: a magnetic hematite bracelet and ring, to help with the crushing anxiety--already working! Also, an onyx ring, a piece of untumbled emerald, a piece of red jasper, one of bloodstone, and a shark tooth. I am Moving Right Along, as of Now.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Morning notes

  • Got up on time.
  • Made the bed.
  • Did morning workout--first time in ages.
  • Showered, did shower meditation.
  • Dressed for the job I want, also to put a little panic into my bosses.
  • Ate an actual breakfast.
  • Listened to the goal-achieving Pandora station.
I think it's gonna be an ok day. Off to work I go!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

NYNY Week 4

Relax, Don't Do It was our prompt this week. I am often self-indulgent, so I decided to choose my acts carefully to be not indulgent of my laziness or little whims, but truly be nice to myself:

  • Instead of spending my extra day off lazing around in PJs, I took a quick, wonderful trip to [New City]. I left a letter of petition for the city spirits, but also bought new shoes and grabbed one of my favorite breakfast treats and walked a lot and rode the subway and slept wonderfully and felt so amazing.
  • Instead of spending yet more time on the internet procrastinating on things by playing games I don't really enjoy, pretending that I was just taking a little break before getting back to work, I started looking at learning Irish through some online freebies, read a lot of books, and played with my cat.
  • Instead of having a junk-food dinner, I bought good beer and yummy finger foods and rewarded myself with actual delicious things that are also less awful for me.
Doing things this way provided a wonderful break, and reminded me not to just snatch at fast-food pleasures because they're easy to get and acceptable to sneak into daily life. I'm looking forward to getting back to work, especially now that I can give myself real rewards again.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

NYNY Week 3

This week's prompt is Something You've Been Putting Off. I've got a few major things: clearing the paperwork, debt repayment, starting a sustainable at home religious practice. I keep feeling uninspired to do these things because I feel constantly like nothing is permanent so why get settled. Jobs have been uncertain, so I haven't felt able to commit money to debts, despite completely being able to spend in the moment. If things are already in boxes it is easier to move them. If I create a religious practice then I have to do it. It's a lot of fear of commitment. I think I can pin this down to being unhappy where I am and not wanting to commit to it, but that could be more posturing. I've become defined by my dissatisfaction, it seems like. The link underneath all of it is giving up being miserable. Right now I'm pinning that one on a change of residence, but I'm beginning to realize it's got to come from inside first.
Something to reflect on for this new year. . .